“So understand, don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up, make your stand and realise you’re living in the golden years.”
Wasted Years – Adrian Smith Iron Maiden
Let me paint you a picture.
A significant relationship in your life just ended. That sucks right?
How do you feel? Hurt, angry, confused, defensive … all of the above?!
When a relationship comes to an end our defense mechanisms can sometimes lead to a dialogue that sounds a little like, “I can’t believe I wasted my time/years/life on that! Everything I gained – I lost.” Unfortunately, the human brain automatically breeds negative emotions. This has been referred to as negative bias, a scientifically explored understanding of how our brains are wired to scout for the bad stuff and fixate on the threat.
It’s rather sad to think that during a traumatic time like a relationship breakdown, the mind turns to breeding negative emotions. As if the breakup wasn’t bad enough?
The good news is that human beings have the ability to shift the messages of their mind. You see, emotions we feel come from perception. How you perceive something is how you feel it. Let me give you an example of this. Imagine you are walking along a track and catch a glimpse of something moving in the bushes. It gives you a fright and you instantly cross to your biggest fear – a venomous snake stalking you! You perceive this to be a threat, so fear kicks in and your body emotionally responds to that. After a few seconds, you realise the movement is simply a harmless lizard. Your perception changes and the emotion adjusts and stabilizes.You instantly feel different, your body relaxes and you become more confident to continue on your way. This is the power of perception – and a relationship breakdown can be viewed the same way. Ponder this for a moment, how are you perceiving the situation, is it a threat, a harmless lizard or an opportunity to develop a clearer understanding of the difference between the two?
What if instead of mindlessly picking your choices to pieces, which may likely lead to a destroying nagging narrative, you look at what you have gained personally, professionally and spiritually during the time spent experiencing that relationship? WHAT IF you looked at who you are now in comparison to who you were. Maybe moving forward with the intention to explore the lessons learnt and the growth gained, could deliver a more positive healing experience, one that is less painful and destructive. This in my opinion is progressive movement that we could all benefit from – it would sure make the future less bleak, am I right?
Progressive movement is a method I’ve actively applied to my world over the years. While hard at times, reflection on what the relationships or events brought to the table, no matter how negative, can give insight into how we’ve grown – as a person, a love, a colleague, mentor or human.
I challenge you to try this. Focus on the last break up you had, be it love or professional, whatever you want as it’s your personal reflection and self analysis. Let me know what you discovered – did you experience any ‘a-huh’ moments? Was it really all negative or did you find an element of positive growth during those “wasted years?”
Regardless of what you may or may not have discovered. I’d love to hear from you. If you’re not sure or even confused, you may just need to talk it through with someone. I‘m confident I can help you get clarity, closure and progress forward.
Joel A Rogers
activecounsellingbyheartwork@yahoo.com
0492 851 205
HEARTWORK 